WARNING: VULNERABLE POST
“Holding the tension between a longing and its unmet fulfillment is indeed a creative, tight place. It looks a whole lot like faith.” — Katie Gustafson
I thought that once I reached this age I would have a lot more answers than I do. I saw myself as a well-traveled, successful business woman, married with kids on the way. Instead, I’m single, unsure of my career path, living with 2 roommates trying to make rent each month. Sometimes I feel more lost than I did at 25. Or even 23.
Maybe I was naive, or maybe I felt like the world was mine to take when I was younger. Now, it sometimes feels like it’s all slipping through my fingers. Unmet achievements. Unrealized dreams. Unforeseen battles. Unanswered questions.
I’ve found myself asking a lot of questions over the past couple of months. And once I started asking…I couldn’t stop…
What are my dreams?
What legacy will I leave behind?
What is my purpose?
How do I set an attainable goal?
How do I even reach these said “attainable” goals?
Why can’t I sleep?
How many more times will I be a bridesmaid?
And why are all bridesmaid dresses made for amazon women?
How are we supposed to navigate friendships with guys at this age?
What am I supposed to do with this new found enneagram knowledge?
And do I really act that way?
Will I ever talk to my dad again?
Why can’t I stick to Whole 30?
Will I ever have a wedding date to take to all of these weddings?
Am I going to get to adopt children?
Will I have to adopt alone?
Does he really not have the capacity to care for someone right now?
Why did we even meet?
Where in the world are my sunglasses?
Wait. Am I supposed to sign up for ObamaCare again? Is it still a thing?
Why is going to church so hard for a single person?
Is there an app that will keep me from looking at Instagram for an extended period of time?
How in the world are they still making new Grey’s Anatomy episodes?
Should I respond to that text?
What am I actually passionate about? Really?
Am I a giver or a taker?
How would my friends describe me?
Why does it feel like I haven’t accomplished anything in life?
Am I going to live in Nashville for the rest of my life?
Why, oh why are iPhones made of glass?
I could keep going, but you get the picture. And I’m sure you might be able to relate to some of these, especially if you are in a similar stage of life.
I know that with a lot of these areas I need to simply live into the questions and let them be unknown for now. They are unknown for a reason.
But some of these make me feel like I’m having an identity crisis, starting back at square one.
What are my dreams? What legacy do I want to leave behind? What goals can I work towards?
I think this area is where I’m struggling the most. My life and career have taken so many unexpected (amazing) turns, that my dreams have shifted along the way and now I’m to the point where I’m not sure what I want anymore.
The past two years, I’ve gotten to inspire others to step into their dreams and I have loved it. But have I lost myself along the way? Or is what I’m doing leading to another dream that I haven’t discovered yet.
I write all of this to say, don’t be afraid to ask questions. Sometimes, they can lead to answers and if not, they reveal what you might actually want out of life. Those desires that you keep locked in the corner of your mind and only let out when you’re having an exceptionally optimistic day.
Disappointment is a part of life. It’s up there with taxes and death. But that doesn’t mean that we should let life pass us by without going for something. Because what if it turns out better than you could ever imagine? Better than your dreams.
I’m still asking questions of myself, but I’m challenging myself (and you) to ask life of those same desires. Take the next steps towards something that you want.
Write it down, send the text, make the call, take the trip, take the class, ask the questions.