“I’ve sat at a table across from my mother and she has said to me, “Not everyone wants what you want.” And I was forced to swallow hard and see her truth as truth– not everyone wants to get out. Some of us are wanderers. Some of us are fine where our feet are. Some of us wander in the hopes that our feet will finally whisper, “Stay right here. Here is where you need to stay.” – Hannah Brencher
i have been thinking about Hannah’s words and her blog post about moving a lot this week. and when i say a lot, i mean like this whole idea of change has kind of invaded my entire space over the last few days. this is partially because i have had this exact conversation with my mom, and partially because i am coming to a harsh realization that i am in a weird state of movement right now. like the ground is shaking below me and i’m grasping for anything to keep me still.
i may have moved to Los Angeles 3 years ago now, but i feel like i am just now grappling with the real turn of it all. the transition from one place to another. this may be because LA is a place where the dreamers migrate to, people are in and out and they rarely plant their roots here. the city of angels tends to look like a short vacation to never never land (trust me, you want to click that link) where the kids play out their childhood dreams without any parents or mentors around to guide the way. it is hard to feel settled or grounded in a land of fantasies, a place where everyone leaves and is really only here for selfish ambition. when you view a place as a temporary landing place, you will never feel at home.
moving here was not an easy decision. i said good-bye through many tearful nights. i left a full life of amazing community, life-giving jobs, and beautiful freedom. but at the age of 24, i was looking for more, i was scared of the comfortable bubble that i had found myself in the middle of. i wasn’t ready to settle in & let Nashville be the last chapter in my book of cities. i’m a wanderer, and my feet needed to move.
homesickness had never been a companion of mine until recently. i place most of this blame on my beautiful niece and nephews, but i also point my finger towards the pain of missing out. selfishly, i think i wanted my friends to halt life until i came back. until i was done with my wandering years and i was ready to return as the prodigal child. i wanted the celebrations upon my return (and i received them during my first few visits home). but life wasn’t meant to be put on hold, and i can’t control where this life takes myself or anyone else.
the sting of transition is hitting hard as i realize that life back home is moving on without me. new relationships have been formed, people have changed, and i haven’t been a part of it. selfish thoughts? absolutely, but i’m being honest in saying that this is why my heart aches right now, and i also don’t think it’s wrong to want to be missed. we all long to be wanted, but i’m learning to place the blame on my wandering feet instead of the humans that i left. i have changed, i have grown, and i have found new friendships as well, but because i am the girl that always thought she would return to her bubble, it is somewhat jolting to discover that it isn’t the same, comfortable space anymore.
distance is a hard obstacle to overcome and in a society where social media rules, we can follow along with our friends’ lives without making an effort, without working on the true connection of friendship. we are lazy and we use the double tap of a thumb to say ‘hello’ to a ‘best friend’ who lives 2,000 miles away, because taking the time to make an actual phone call is just out of the question.
life is fluid and always changing – it’s a hard lesson to learn. we can’t keep people from changing or hold them back from the life that they were meant to live. moments cannot be kept in a box and pulled out on a rainy day. every single minute is fleeting. people will not be around forever, and some friends are placed in your life for a single season. but this is a really grand reason to hold on to the humans that we have right now. treat them well. make the best of the season that you’re in, it’s going to change sooner than you might think. (James 4:14 states it pretty clearly: “Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”)
make the call. book the trip. cling to the ones you love, and realize when it’s time to let them go. don’t be afraid to grow and change. be careful with your wandering feet, listen for the whisper that may tell you to stay. and be prepared to be okay with that.
these are the phrases i am telling myself today, and every day moving forward. and no, this is not an attempt to make an announcement about my life, if i’m staying, or if i’m going – this is a simple outlet to tell you where i am right now. today, on April 22, 2015 as I sit in Los Angeles holding onto God as the transition shakes around me.